Characters:
MOM: Holding a plate with one chocolate chip cookie.
TIMMY: (7) Looking innocent.
JANIE: (9) Looking accusatory.
Setting: A kitchen island.
MOM: I found the crumbs in the LEGO bin. This is your last chance to come clean.
TIMMY: It was a ghost. A ghost who likes sugar.
TIMMY: He was a very realistic ghost.
MOM: Janie, you were supposed to be guarding the kitchen.
JANIE: I was! But then the WiFi went down and I had to go to the router. It was a coordinated attack! Timmy pulled the plug!
TIMMY: (Defensive) I was checking the electrical safety!
TIMMY: (Looking at the halves) Her half is bigger.
JANIE: It’s literally the same, Timmy.
MOM: (Eats both halves) Now no one has to worry about the math. Go to bed.
[BLACKOUT]
VICTOR: It’s buried beneath the "Peloton." You’ll need a shovel and a great deal of cardio.
GARY: Do you think... do you think we could just... walk off set?
JANIE: A ghost with Timmy’s exact fingerprints on the glass jar?
MOM: (Sighs, breaks the cookie in half) Here.
continue
The Case of the Barking Alibi
INSPECTOR HAWTHORNE: A weary human detective.
BARNABY: A Golden Retriever wearing a small "Police" vest.
Setting: A manor library. A man lies "dead" (a mannequin) on the rug.
HAWTHORNE: Alright, Barnaby. The victim was poisoned. The glass is clean. No prints. What do your instincts tell you?
(BARNABY sniffs the mannequin intensely, then walks to the fireplace and starts wagging his tail at a suit of armor.)
HAWTHORNE: The armor? You think the killer is hiding inside? (He opens the visor; it’s empty.) Nothing. Barnaby, focus.
(BARNABY trots to the window, barks once, and drops a tennis ball at the victim’s feet.)
HAWTHORNE: A bribe? You think the victim was playing fetch with the murderer? (He looks closer at the ball.) Wait... there’s a smudge of green paint on this. The gardener!
(BARNABY lets out a joyful howl and begins spinning in circles.)
HAWTHORNE: Good boy. Let’s go get the cuffs. And a treat. Definitely a treat.
[BLACKOUT]
The Galactic Refund
Characters:
ZORK: An alien with four arms, holding a "Human."
CLERK: A bored bureaucrat behind a floating desk.
Setting: The Intergalactic Exchange Hub.
ZORK: I wish to return this. It is defective.
CLERK: (Sighs) Reason for return?
ZORK: It won't stop talking. I bought it for "primitive companionship," but all it does is complain about the "lack of gravity" and ask when "lunch" is.
CLERK: Did you read the manual? Humans require constant nitrogen-oxygen mixtures and frequent validation.
ZORK: It also tried to "colonize" my kitchen. It put a tiny flag in the nutrient paste!
CLERK: (Checks the tag) Ah, I see the problem. This is a "Middle Manager" model. They are notoriously territorial.
ZORK: Can I exchange it for a cat? I hear they are quiet.
CLERK: Cats are an upgrade. You’ll need to pay the "Superiority Complex" tax.
[BLACKOUT]
The Knight’s Insurance Claim
Characters:
SIR GALAHAD: Shining armor, slightly singed.
AGNES: An insurance adjuster from "Ye Olde Mutual."
Setting: A tent on a battlefield.
AGNES: So, you’re claiming "Acts of Dragon"?
GALAHAD: It breathed fire, Agnes! My shield is a puddle! My horse has ptsd!
AGNES: Our policy clearly states that fire damage is only covered if the dragon is at least fifty feet long. This looks like a wyvern job.
GALAHAD: It was huge! It had a hoard! It had a dental plan!
AGNES: (Touching the singed cape) This is polyester. Your premium only covers wool and enchanted silk.
GALAHAD: I am fighting for the kingdom!
AGNES: And I am fighting for the bottom line. Next time, get the "Total Quest Protection" add-on. It includes bail for accidental princess kidnapping.
[BLACKOUT]
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