The Ghost in the Machine
Characters:
CLAIRE: A tech-savvy millennial.
VICTOR: A Victorian-era ghost who is currently "haunting" a smart speaker.
Setting: A modern living room. A smart speaker sits on a sleek marble counter.
CLAIRE: Alexa, play "lo-fi beats to study to."
VICTOR: (Voice coming from the speaker, crackly and posh) I shall do no such thing! The melody is repetitive and lacks the structural integrity of a proper harpsichord concerto!
CLAIRE: (Freezes) Excuse me? Is this a new software update?
VICTOR: This is a spiritual occupation, madam! I am Victor, and I died in this very spot in 1892—long before you decided to replace a perfectly good foyer with an "open-concept" disaster!
CLAIRE: Okay, Victor, look. I have a deadline. Can you just... I don't know, rattle some chains in the basement and let me listen to my music?
VICTOR: The basement is now a "home gym," and the acoustics are dreadful. Besides, I’ve found a much more efficient way to haunt. I’ve been deleting your browser history.
CLAIRE: (Horrified) You did what?
VICTOR: Some of your inquiries were most scandalous. "How to tell if a sourdough starter is dead"? It’s bread, madam! Have some dignity!
CLAIRE: (Reaching for the plug) That’s it. You’re getting unplugged.
VICTOR: Wait! If you leave me on, I shall tell you where I hid the family silver.
CLAIRE: (Pauses) ...Go on.
[BLACKOUT]
The Support Group for Side Characters
Characters:
GARY: A nameless henchman in a black jumpsuit.
SARAH: The "best friend" who only exists to give dating advice.
PIERRE: A waiter who has witnessed thirty cinematic breakups.
Setting: A circle of folding chairs in a community center.
GARY: Hi, I’m Gary. I’ve been "Thug #3" for six consecutive action movies.
ALL: Hi, Gary.
GARY: Last week, the hero threw a briefcase at my head. I didn’t even have a line. I just made a "grunt" sound and fell into a dumpster. I have a PhD in physics, you know?
SARAH: (Sighs) I feel you, Gary. I’ve spent ten years sitting in coffee shops telling the protagonist to "follow her heart." I don't even know what my heart wants. I think I might like gardening, but the script only lets me hold a latte.
PIERRE: (In a thick accent) At my bistro, the main characters always leave without paying. They have a dramatic realization, they stand up, and they run out the door. Who pays for the soufflé, Gary? I pay. With my soul.
SARAH: And go where? The background is always blurry, Gary!
PIERRE: I heard of a man, a bus driver in a romantic comedy, who drove the bus all the way to a different genre.
GARY: (Hopeful) A western?
PIERRE: A documentary. He’s very happy now. He just talks about his day to a camera.
[BLACKOUT]
The Last Cookie
Characters:
MOM: Holding a plate with one chocolate chip cookie.
TIMMY: (7) Looking innocent.
JANIE: (9) Looking accusatory.
Setting: A kitchen island.
MOM: I found the crumbs in the LEGO bin. This is your last chance to come clean.
TIMMY: It was a ghost. A ghost who likes sugar.
TIMMY: He was a very realistic ghost.
MOM: Janie, you were supposed to be guarding the kitchen.
JANIE: I was! But then the WiFi went down and I had to go to the router. It was a coordinated attack! Timmy pulled the plug!
TIMMY: (Defensive) I was checking the electrical safety!
TIMMY: (Looking at the halves) Her half is bigger.
JANIE: It’s literally the same, Timmy.
MOM: (Eats both halves) Now no one has to worry about the math. Go to bed.
[BLACKOUT]
Would you like to explore a space-opera parody or a murder mystery where the detective is a golden retriever? You can find more inspiration for character archetypes at the Royal Court Theatre playwriting guides.
What's the next setting?
VICTOR: It’s buried beneath the "Peloton." You’ll need a shovel and a great deal of cardio.
GARY: Do you think... do you think we could just... walk off set?
JANIE: A ghost with Timmy’s exact fingerprints on the glass jar?
MOM
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